Friday, April 20, 2018

Weruva Cats in the Kitchen Variety Pack #ChewyInfluencer

Momma's at the BlogPaws Conference in Kansas City this week - but we have a couple of reviews to share. We won't be visiting around the Cat Blogosphere much this week, but we'll be back to our regular visits to our blogging friends next week. As you would expect from Momma, she's behind on getting ready for the Conference, so these reviews will be short and sweet. The regular dialogue will return for future reviews.

What did we get to try from Chewy this month?!? It's our second month of being part of the Influencer program and we were excited to try two kinds of wet food. Today we're reviewing the second item. If you missed the first review, you may find it hereAmerican Journey Poultry & Seafood in Gravy Variety Pack #ChewyInfluencer


Did you miss last month's reviews (they were our first as part of the Chewy Influencer program): The package {part 1} and The package {part 2}?

Disclosure: We received Weruva Cats in the Kitchen Variety Pack (Grain-Free Cat Food Pouches, 3-oz, case of 12) - for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - neither Weruva nor Chewy are responsible for the contents of this post.


"Come ON, Momma! Let's try this food ... sometime this century!!!"


Why Momma chose to try the Weruva Cats in the Kitchen Variety Pack:
  • These are NOT pate. Our cats usually don't like pate.
  • The food is grain free and without gluten, GMO ingredients, MSG or carrageenan.
  • All varieties in the value pack have two or more flavors {1 If By Land, 2 If By Sea [Tuna, Beef and Salmon], Chick Magnet [Chicken and Mackeral], Love Me Tender [Chicken and Duck], Mack Jack & Sam [Salmon, Mackerel, and Skipjack Tuna], Pumpkin Jack Splash [Tuna in Pumpkin Soup], and Pumpkin Lickin' Chicken [Chicken in Pumpkin Soup]}. My cats seem to favor wet foods with two different kinds of protein. No simple "Tuna Feast" for us! Besides the cute names of the flavors, there are several original varieties of flavors I've never seen in other brands. Though in the past, Bear's turned his nose up at pumpkin - but if Ellie eats it, he might be persuaded.

Our views after trying Weruva Cats in the Kitchen Variety Pack:
  • The contents of the pouch actually looks like people food - shredded meat. I feel better about feeding my cats something I'd find appetizing. In truth, I was tempted to try the food and see if it tastes as good as it looks.


  • My cats are gravy fiends - but this has more of a broth and not a true gravy.
  • On the first night, Bear ate so fast, he later yakked it up. The next night, he ignored a different flavor all together. In the past, he hasn't been a huge fan of the Weruva pouches. Ellie, however, licked her plate clean and then Bear's too. I think Ellie was eating loudly (and quite happily) the first night because Bear looked up from his own plate as if to tell her to be quiet! Complete concentration on food. It's a thing.



Looks like everyone's happy! Chewy is easy to love: they have a wide selection of QUALITY pet products, freshness is guaranteed, and they offer fast shipping and easy returns on all orders. With orders over $49, one to two day shipping is FREE! After hearing so many bloggers talk about Chewy's fast shipping, I was eager to see the difference for myself ... and sure enough! FAST! Much faster than any other seller I've encountered. Though my favorite part is 24/7 customer service. How many times have I been up late at night shopping for cat supplies, had a question, but couldn't ask it because chat wasn't available?

Interested in trying Weruva Cats in the Kitchen Variety Pack? Go visit Chewy and order a pack for your favorite feline!

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

American Journey Poultry & Seafood in Gravy Variety Pack #ChewyInfluencer

Momma's at the BlogPaws Conference in Kansas City this week - but we have a couple of reviews to share. We won't be visiting around the Cat Blogosphere much this week, but we'll be back to our regular visits to our blogging friends next week. As you would expect from Momma, she's behind on getting ready for the Conference, so these reviews will be short and sweet. The regular dialogue will return for future reviews.

What did we get to try from Chewy this month?!? It's our second month of being part of the Influencer program and we were excited to try two kinds of wet food. Today we're reviewing the first item and Friday, we'll review the second. Did you miss last month's reviews (they were our first as part of the Chewy Influencer program): The package {part 1} and The package {part 2}?



Disclosure: We received American Journey Poultry & Seafood in Gravy Variety Pack (Grain-Free Canned Cat Food, 3-oz, case of 24) - for free in exchange for an honest review. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat only shares information we believe would be of interest to our readers. The content is ours - neither American Journey nor Chewy are responsible for the contents of this post.

Why Momma chose to try the American Journey Variety Pack:
  • These are NOT pate. Our cats usually don't like pate - so I was excited to find a new brand {to us} with new flavors to try - in the chunks and gravy realm.
  • The food is grain free and without corn, soy, wheat, poultry by-product meal and artificial colors, flavors or preservatives.


  • All varieties in the value pack have two flavors {Turkey & Salmon, Chicken & Salmon, Chicken & Tuna}. My cats seem to favor wet foods with two different kinds of protein. No simple "Tuna Feast" for us! I've never seen a "Turkey & Salmon" formula before. Both cats love turkey, but not by itself. I was intrigued by this new combination.





Our views after trying American Journey Variety Pack:
  • These foods are the ABSOLUTELY PERFECT consistency for my cats. The chunks are not so big that my cats ignore them or spit them out - but not small enough to pass as pate.

  • My kitties are gravy fiends and the gravy with the food is thick and looks rich. There's also more than enough gravy!
  • Bear used to snarf down his wet food - but now that he's getting older, he doesn't eat much on the first pass and then grazes the rest of the night. In trying this food, he almost ate all of it right away. It's been a long time since he had enough interest to do that.


Looks like everyone's happy! Chewy is easy to love: they have a wide selection of QUALITY pet products, freshness is guaranteed, and they offer fast shipping and easy returns on all orders. With orders over $49, one to two day shipping is FREE! After hearing so many bloggers talk about Chewy's fast shipping, I was eager to see the difference for myself ... and sure enough! FAST! Much faster than any other seller I've encountered. Though my favorite part is 24/7 customer service. How many times have I been up late at night shopping for cat supplies, had a question, but couldn't ask it because chat wasn't available?

Interested in trying American Journey Poultry & Seafood in Gravy Variety Pack? For a limited time, your first case is 50% off! You can't go wrong.


TO BE CONTINUED ... will the second product we're trying courtesy of Chewy be just as popular too?!?!

Friday, April 13, 2018

More Momma Malfeasance

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: I need some aluminum foil.
EM: Not THAT again! 
BC: Do you know where Momma keeps the foil?
EM: Nonono. I'm not going to be an accessory to your misguided stupidity. Or be part of your next traumatic incident.
BC: Can stupidity really be misguided?! You call ME misguided and stupid ... but how else am I going to prevent being abducted by aliens?!
EM: Be yourself! Intelligent life forms wouldn't be stupid enough to abduct you.
BC: HEY! I'll have you know my vast intellect is envied across species. Whole civilizations could be fueled by my brain power.
EM: The only civilizations you could fuel would be limited to farting or burping. Oh. And biting.
BC: You're just jealous.
MK: Can you imagine? The stink you throw in the car on the way to the vet ... the aliens would dump you out before Mars.
EM: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
BC: OH! So now you two are ganging up on me?!? Is it Persecute Bear Day?!? Maybe it's WOMEN SUCK DAY!  Maybe it's THAT TIME OF THE MONTH DAY!
EM: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
BC: STOP LAUGHING AT ME or you'll be sorry!
EM: I can't help it! The madder you get, the funnier you are! You look like you're about to explode or take down a cabinet of inanimate objects. Anything that won't fight back. Hahahahahaha. Wimp.

{The front door opens}
EM: DADDY!
BC: DUMBNUTS! You're home! You're home! Good thing too! Girls are dumb! Momma kept saying, "Wait until your Daddy comes home ..." Well, you're home. Time for you to straighten Momma out. You wouldn't believe what Momma did to us!
The Boy: Hi, Buddy Bear. Hi, Baby Girl! Can I pet you?
EM: NO! Not until I give you a piece of my mind for leaving me! 
BC: That's good because you only HAVE a piece of mind!
EM: You left me here with THEM. There was no lap available. It was HORRIBLE! I had to sleep on the couch! My favorite toy got stuck under the couch! And then Bear was mean to me FOR NO REASON ...
BC: Don't be ridiculous. There was a reason ... you're alive. That's offensive to me.
EM: ... and then Bear ate a few pieces of kibble but there wasn't enough left over for me in the bowl and I was hungry!
BC: Phht. You had the WHOLE bowl! Minus a few pieces. That would be enough for even a pig!
MK: So you finally admit your food bowl was full?
BC: How many times do I have to explain this to you ... anything less than 92.845% full is the same thing as empty. By the time Ellie got to the food bowl, 96% was still there! NOT empty ... or not until she ate the rest of the bowl on her own.
EM: I told Momma I was hungry and Momma wouldn't give me treats!
The Boy: We agreed you'd watch what you eat ... you've become a bit ... VALUE-SIZED since you moved in.
EM: But ... but ... when I watch my food, I just get more hungry!
BC: The dreaded "D" word. Better you than me. 
EM: Dweebles?!?
BC: No. But that works too.
EM: De-fanged?
BC: That would be the worst! Without fangs, how does a cat provide feedback to his humans? What would be the point of living if one doesn't have fangs?
EM: Food?!
BC: You would say that, Miss Piggy. OH! Talking about being healthy and losing weight ... Momma only played with us for thirty minutes! She quit because she claimed she was the only one getting exercise. Phht. Ellie and I were moving our heads back and forth watching her run around like a fruitcake. We should've charged admission. I was huffing and puffing and thought my head might fly off.
The Boy: I'm sorry ... but you haven't said anything that was different today. That's all stuff she did when I worked from home.
{Silence}
EM: You're RIGHT! You condone her mean-inity! And I thought you were my Daddy!
The Boy: Somehow, after listening to you two, I only feel bad for your Momma. Talk about a couple of dump trucks full! Any other person would be at the bottom of a tall, strong drink ... and a bottle of headache medicine.
EM: But we were the ones mistreated!
BC: Headache medicine?! You mean I can take a pill and Ellie will disappear?!? SIGN ME UP!
The Boy: And yet the morning started out with one VERY grumpy cat staring at his Momma from a foot away.

BC: She made me move so she could get up! I wasn't done snuggling with her! Momma snuggles are serious business around here.
The Boy: You sat there for forty-five minutes giving her a super grumpy look.
BC: How else is she going to learn the lesson?
The Boy: We knew it was going to be a bad day since you woke up teed off.
BC: SERIOUSLY?! Is this Persecute Bear Day?!?
The Boy: Isn't that every day!?!
BC: Finally! You admit it!
The Boy: Oh, for the love ...
BC: Why don't you tell him what YOU did, Ellie!
EM: I didn't do anything!
BC: Wrong and right at the same time ... your royal fatness sleeps all day, so technically, you do nothing ... but you also stole my bed, which IS something! 

EM: I couldn't find you ANYWHERE! I kept meowing and looking around for you and I couldn't find you! I just wanted to be close to you.
BC: No. You just wanted my cat bed! Now the bed is RUINED because it smells like you, Smellie!
EM: Where were you?!
{Bear thinks back to his hiding place}

BC: I'm not giving away my secret ...
EM: I thought you might've been abducted by aliens.
BC: Sheesh. Always a conspiracy theory. I was in my ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! You ALMOST tricked me into giving away my secret hiding place.
EM: Come on, Bear! Tell me!
BC: NEVER! That would be just one more thing you make me share.
EM: PLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE?!? I'm asking nicely.
BC: I'm replying nicely ... NO!
{Momma nabs Ellie to distract from the brewing argument}
EM: *&@# the #!@% ^&&!!! She's got the @#$%! clippers! SAVE ME! Bear?!?! BEAR?!?!
BC: Save YOU?! No thanks! Every princess knows she must save herself.
EM: And how did that go the last time you got it in your head to screw with the aluminum foil?
BC: You're VASTLY overestimating the traumatic ramification of the situation.
MK: Why am I clipping your claws? Earlier when Bear clawed me, I realized you two were due for a clipping.
EM: But I never use my claws on you!
BC: SUCK UP! You're just too goody-goody to be THE SHARK.
EM: A shark doesn't have claws, Bear.
BC: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT, SMELLIE!
MK: HOLD STILL!
EM: This is YOUR fault, Bear! All because you can't keep your claws to yourself!

{Momma squeezes Ellie's paw to unsheathe the claw}
BC: That little piggy went to market!
{SNIP!}
{Momma squeezes Ellie's paw to unsheathe the next claw}
BC: That little piggy stayed home.
{SNIP!}
{Momma squeezes Ellie's paw to unsheathe the next claw}
BC: That little piggy had roast beef.
{SNIP!}
{Momma squeezes Ellie's paw to unsheathe the next claw}
BC: That little piggy had none.
{SNIP!}
{Momma squeezes Ellie's paw to unsheathe the next claw}
BC: And the little piggies cried "wee wee wee" all the way home.
{SNIP!}
MK: Bear! You're NOT helping!
BC: I was just acquainting Smellie with her relatives! OINK! OINK! Get it?!?
{Silence}
BC: She's a piggy! So her relatives are ...
{Pause}
BC: Tough crowd.
{Momma lets Ellie go}
BC: BYE!!! I'm getting out of here before Momma grabs me.
{We omit the "R-rated" catching and claw clipping of Bear ... let's just say that the list of curse words he heard Momma say - and he wrote down for future use - is quite impressive}
{WET FOOD TREAT TIME!!! The only quiet time in the Momma Kat household as both cats are too busy eating to fight}
{Fifteen minutes pass until Momma stops in her tracks when she sees Ellie's food plate}

MK: Oh, for the LOVE! Did you eat any wet food or did you just push it across the plate and onto the floor?
EM: {BURP}.
BC: You just asked a rhetorical question, Momma.
MK: Ellie's a bulldozer!
BC: Hahahahahaha. She IS a dozing bull! When she ambles by ... WATCH OUT! Or lose your shorts! Hehehehehehehehehe.
MK: Bear ... of all the ...
EM: {BURP}.
{Bear bursts into laughter}
BC: More like a food dozer! She's either eating or sleeping. Those are her two modes.
EM: {BURP}. Shut up, Bear.
BC: Now you know what it's like!
EM: You ALWAYS laugh at me.
BC: Not ALWAYS ... just most of the time.
MK: You're almost as bad as Kitty. She'd spit the chunks out all over the floor. Talk about a mess.
BC: I suppose that was in the eye of the beholder ... or so I should say, the MOUTH of the beholder doing clean up duty. It worked out pretty well for me.
EM: {BURP}.

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Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Do absences make the heart grow fonder?!?

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

BC: Here, Dumbnuts! Here, Dumbnut Dumbnut Dumbnut! Come out wherever you are!
EM: Lose your train of thought again?
BC: Haha. Shut up, SMELLIE.
EM: Your imaginary friend?
BC: I'm not going to dignify that with a reply.
EM: Yep. You lost your imaginary friend, Dumbnuts.
BC: Phht. I don't have time for friends of any kind. Well, except for torties and tasty whole chickens. 
{Bear sees Ellie staring at him}
BC: Do you mind?!?!
EM: Not really.
BC: Here, Dumbnuts! Dumbnuts want a cracker?!? I'll let you pet my belly!
EM: Yeah. Because THAT'S believable.
BC: Do you find it concerning that Dumbnuts disappeared? I mean ... did Momma finally kick him out? Was he abducted by aliens?!? Did he finally gather enough of our poop from scooping the litter box to reach his evil ends?

EM: You and your conspiracy theories.
BC: You're right. That's what aluminum foil is for! He's probably hanging upside down from the ceiling in the closet. He wants to suck our blood!
EM: That's a bit, "Pot, meet kettle!"
BC: I don't have time for meeting new friends. I'm on the tracks of what happened to ...
{Pause}
BC: {GASP}! The only thing that makes sense ... we're rid of him! C-E-L-E-B-R-A-T-E good times, COME ON!
{Pause}
BC: I didn't bite him THAT hard, did I?! Pretty cool to think I could put a dude in the hospital! NO! I chased him off! All that biting and barfing and pooping and being ornery and cantankerous. I showed HIM! WHOOOOOAAA. It WORKED!
{Bear surveys his domain}
BC: Wait a ... he was always good for a couple rubs when I jumped on his desk! And I could vent my furry fury and bite him! Now what am I going to do? My furry fury will get all clogged up and I'll explode.
EM: COOL! I want to see that!
BC: This sucks. Who am I going to bite now?
EM: Don't even think about it. I'm not your chew toy.
BC: If The Boy isn't home during the day, who's going to scoop our litter box during the day?
EM: Ummm ... HELLO! Momma used to scoop it ... she's still here!
BC: RATS! 
{Pause}
BC: Err ... I mean, "YAY!" Though it would've been fun to have a party.
EM: Daddy got a new job and he's not working from home anymore.
BC: Phht. "Working." Well, if The Boy didn't leave - at the very least - I guess we're not stuck with her royal grabby weepiness in the wake of that mess. You should've seen it last time The Boy changed his mind ... she'd just grab me out of no where and cry into my fur! I had a hairball from all the licking I did to decontaminate my fur! 

EM: Maybe you walked across his keyboard one too many times ... 
BC: How ELSE am I supposed to show him my sexy buns?!?
EM: Sexy is not the word I would use.
BC: Handsome pants?
EM: I was thinking something more in line with the SIZE of your buns.
BC: Phht. Leave my size out of it. You don't see me going around reminding you how barn-sized you are, do you?
EM: ... Or maybe he just got tired of being your chew toy.
{Ellie walks in the litter box}
EM: WHAT?!?! THAT'S IT! I'm so tired of you never covering your business! I swear! I have to step around your crap enough as it is OUTSIDE the litter box. Everywhere I step around here ... your bull-poop!
BC: Well, EXCUSE ME if it's your time of the month.
EM: You better hope Momma doesn't hear that. She HATES it when people reduce women to that. Like the women don't have reasons to be upset! Oh, NO! We'll just call them crazy because it's that time of the month.
BC: Maybe it's HER time of the month? Then again, she doesn't need an excuse to be mean.
EM: Well, TECHNICALLY, she clips our claws and brushes our teeth for our own good.
BC: Yeah. Keep telling yourself that. At least I know the stinky poop side of the litter box from the NON-stinky poop side! You just go in there and toss the contents around like it's amateur hour! No wonder The Boy abandoned you.
EM: My Daddy didn't abandon me!
BC: Then where is he?!?
EM: He'll come home .... you just watch.
BC: At least Momma will be home. Bite or cuddle on demand. 
MK: Ummm ... next week, I'll be gone for the Conference.
BC: The "effortlessly embarrassing Bear" Conference? The "I'm going to stalk your cat" Conference? The "I'm going to act crazy and totally make my cat look like a goober" Conference?

MK: Yes. That one.
BC: Though Smellie IS a goober, so all is not lost.
EM: HEY! Momma can speak for me all she wants. I'm proud to be her precious princess!
BC: Don't you think I should warn people?!? At the very least, I want some fine print and a disclaimer that what you do isn't a reflection on me.
EM: That's a little harsh, don't you think?
BC: Look at her!
EM: Well, I don't know about ...
BC: She has "chump" written all over her! And some, "I chase random cats like a crazy woman," and a little, "I try to talk to animals in their own language." Not to mention, "Around cats, the only thing I can think to say is, 'AWWWWWWWWWW!' and a bunch of other non-coherent nonsense." Oh, and who can forget, "I'm AWKWARD!"
EM: Hmm ... I see what you mean. 
MK: HEY!
BC: I really don't like you going.
MK: Because you love me and want me here?
BC: Hahahahahaha. As if. No. You embarrass me. But I don't want to be left with the Dweebles either. Last year was bad enough when I was left with The Boy. But now I'm outnumbered! I'll be dweeble-fied for sure! Or they'll sell me into slavery.
EM: SLAVERY?!? Hahahahahahahaha. When was the last time you worked?
BC: {mockingly} When was the last time you ... BITE ME!
EM: No. I'm a NICE cat. I don't bite ... I don't even bite annoying brothers.
BC: But I'm your favorite brother though, right?
EM: That's one word for it.
BC: Awww!
{Bear notices Momma is working on something}
BC: When are you going to start packing for your flatulence?

MK: Excuse me?
BC: No. That's what you say AFTER flatulence. Hahahahaha.
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: When are you going to pack for the Conference?
MK: Flatulence sounds nothing like Conference.
BC: But it's appropriate, isn't it?
MK: How do you figure?!?
BC: All the flat pets walking around ...
EM: Flat pets can't walk! They're just cut out pictures on a solid backing!
BC: {sigh} Must you always heckle me?!? You know what I meant. Flat pets ... FLATulence. Duh.
MK: Huh.
BC: Not to mention all the hot air of passionate humans.
MK: It's not like that at ...
BC: My BOOTY is CALLING! And you're answering!
MK: Not this again!
EM: What?!?!
MK: Bear thinks a booty call is farting.
EM: As much as that makes sense ...
MK: I've tried explaining things to him more than once.
BC: Phht. I know what a booty call is. My booty's calling, are you answering?

MK: {sigh} I'm not home.
BC: RATS!
EM: {to herself} Dumb-@$$.
BC: Wait a ... WHAT'S THAT?!?! Oooh! A bug!!! You're mine!
EM: What?!?
BC: Walk away Ellie. I've got this under control.

EM: Look at how bushy and beautiful my tail is! SEE?!?
BC: If you don't get that out of my face, you'll lose it. {SNIFF SNIFF} Huh?!
{Pause}
BC: Is that tuna?!? Why do you smell like ...
EM: HEY! Stop SNIFFING me, weirdo! Keep that tongue to yourself!

BC: Hahahaha. Momma says that ALL. THE. TIME. ... to The Boy!
EM: I don't ...
BC: BUG!
EM: There's a bug on me?
BC: No! I just got distracted for a few seconds there. Nice try distracting me so you'd get the bug all to yourself. Walk away, Smellie. This doesn't concern you.

EM: But I want to hunt the bug too! We can work together.
BC: I don't think so. It's MY bug. I saw it first!
EM: But I want to play!
BC: No. You can't eat my bug.
EM: What?!?
BC: You'll eat anything.
EM: I won't eat the bug, I promise!
BC: Get off my table.
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Where did it go?!? Great job, Smellie! You distracted me and the bug flew away! It's got to be here somewhere ...
BC: Don't worry, Momma! I'll get it!
EM: {from the chair next to the table} What about me?! I want to help too!
BC: Are you STILL here?!
EM: You said to get off your table ... so I did! You didn't say anything about the chairs.
BC: Phht. You think you're a cat because you point out technicalities ...
EM: No. I'm a cat because I take advantage of them. Now where's the bug?
BC: Don't worry your not-so-pretty big head. This is a job for a tough as nails princess with a slightly demonic streak.

EM: Umm ... ME!
BC: YOU. Phht. SHUT UP, Smellie! Can't you see I'm trying to focus? I have to pay close attention to nab the bug!
EM: I want a bug!
BC: This one's mine! Go find your own bug!
EM: That's not fair!
BC: Now. Where was I?!?
{Ellie jumps on the table}
BC: Stupid sisters! How can I be a ruthless bug hunter when I have to smack my sister down!
EM: We'll work together! Then we'll braid each others' fur and sing songs and talk about torties and have so much fun!
BC: Is there any chance YOU might find a job outside the home?! Actually, could you find another home?!? And stop pestering me. Like NOW?!?!
EM: Well, SOMEONE lost his bug and is grumpy because of it. Or is it your time of the month?! Hahahahahahaha.
BC: And I was worried about not having anyone to bite during the day when The Boy's at work!
EM: HEY! MOMMA! HEEEEEELLLP!!! Bear's being mean to me!!! He's trying to bite me! All because he lost his stupid bug!
BC: Not TRYING ...
EM: OWW!
BC: I'm the SHARK! Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
EM: KNOCK IT OFF! OWWW! BUG!
BC: Hardy har har. Calling me a mosquito again?  Yeah, I might be just as annoying, but I'm not a mosquito, I'm a SHARK!
EM: NO! Behind you! YOUR bug! It's back!
BC: Where?!? I knew it would come back for feline brutality 102, intermediate savage takedown, and a can of whoop-ass. I'll teach that stupid bug a lesson. Run along, Ellie. What I'm about to do to this bug is unspeakable and will give you nightmares.
{Bear looks around}
BC: Where's my bug?!? {turning back around} Smellie! Where's my bug ... {noticing Ellie isn't next to him anymore} where are you!?
EM: {from the safety of the other room} NOW who's the goober?
BC: I don't get it. The bug's a goober? How can you tell?
EM: {from the safety of the other room} The bug isn't back!
BC: WHAT?!? You tricked me?
EM: Why don't you just stick to what you're good at: booty calls.
BC: Hahahaha. MOMMA! My booty's calling! 
{Silence}
BC: Momma?!? Where are you hiding?
MK: {seemingly through the wall} I'M NOT HOME!
BC: RATS! I'll have to try again later.

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Friday, April 6, 2018

In session: The "Momma totally sucks," support group, part 2

If you missed the first part of this post ... In session: The "Momma totally sucks," support group, part 1.

BC: Before I was RUDELY interrupted ... we were going to recite our creed.
EM: Ummm ... no. YOU are reciting your creed. I'm a nice cat.
BC: Whatever. {AHEM!}

{Pause}
BC: Holy Catnip ...
Grant me the ability to appear nonchalant about the things I cannot change; 
The fortitude to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference.
{Pause}
BC: Living one day at a time; Napping one moment at a time; Biting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
NOT taking this unfair world as it is, but demanding how I would have it; 
trusting that I will make all things my way if Momma surrenders to my Will; 
that I may be pleasantly aloof in this life and extraordinarily happy with tasty whole chickens and torties in the next. 
Amen.
{Silence}
EM: Ummm ... that's not the Serenity Prayer.
BC: I've never met Serenity - so why would I use her prayer?!
{Pause}
EM: Wait a ... when did you decide to go undercover? 
BC: Shortly after I came out of the closet. 
EM: When was that? Because earlier I ...
BC: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I get in enough trouble without becoming an accessory.
EM: Hiding under covers can be somewhat hazardous to your health, you know. Especially with two big people walking around in here. You're liable to be cat-caked by accident!
BC: I KNOW!!! For the past five years or so, I've stayed out from under the covers because of a certain traumatic experience ... {shuddering} I still can't talk about it. But that's not the issue. We're in the middle of a meeting! {AHEM}!
{Pause}
BC: Next order of business ... introductions! My name is ...
EM: HEY! Ladies should go first!
BC: I'd let a lady go first if there was one here!
EM: HEY!
BC: My name is Bear Cat Kat and my Momma totally sucks!

EM: My name is Ellie Mae Kat and my Momma sucks.
BC: {AHEM!}
EM: {sigh} FINE! My Momma TOTALLY sucks ...
BC: HMPH. That's better!
EM: ... But my Daddy is the best thing ever!
BC: BARF! Save it for a group I'm not part of! Now ... to the actual complaint portion of the meeting ...
{Pause}
BC: Let's discuss the liar we call Momma!
EM: Phht. No kidding. "I already fed you!" Yeah. Like fifteen minutes ago!!! That doesn't count!
BC: Back when I had Kitty as a sister, Momma swore I'd only get one sister - so I should be nice to her ... I was nice to her ... and now I have ANOTHER sister!
EM: Speaking of food ...
BC: Because what else do you ever think about?
EM: Momma made me walk ALL THE WAY down the hall for kibble. She'd just filled the bowl - and instead of just putting down the bowl for me in the kitchen as I was waiting patiently for - she took the bowl down the hall! I had to walk ALL THE WAY FROM THE KITCHEN TO THE BEDROOM to get my fresh noms!
BC: You're getting a lot of soft around the edges ... she did you a favor because you could use the exerci ...
EM: At least I'm not stupid enough to do what you do!
BC: Wait a ...
EM: When food's involved, you run from your bowl to the kitchen and back - like it might mean you'll get your food faster! Phht. EXERCISE. No, thanks!
BC: Hmm ... SISTERS. NO THANKS!
EM: And then last night, she kept our bowls in the dishwasher for fifteen minutes AFTER it was done! Since our bowls were in there, I had to eat the kibble from the mat, like a pig!
BC: Well, you DO kind of resemble a pi ...
EM: SHUT UP!
BC: Hey! It's the truth. You've exploded like a kernel of popcorn since you came to live here. And I have to share food with you!
EM: Why do you keep heckling me?! What's Momma done that's so horrible to you?!
BC: The other day, Momma only let me have a couple bites of her food.
EM: Wait ... WHAT!?!? Momma doesn't give me any of her food! I don't watch her while she eats because she's very miserly about sharing noms. I guess I'll have to stake her out too.
BC: RATS! So much for no competition!
EM: The other day, I went to see Momma in the bathroom and she wouldn't let me jump in her lap! Can you believe that?!?! She said she was "busy" - but was just sitting there staring at the wall.
BC: Ewww.
EM: And then ... and then ... I jumped on her lap later that day and she acted like I didn't belong there ... if I didn't know better, I'd think she felt I was interrupting something!
BC: You DON'T belong there! Her lap is mine!
EM: HMPH. I don't see YOUR name on her lap!
BC: That can be arranged, you know.
EM: What? You'll claw and bite your name in blood on her lap?
BC: I'm just misunderstood.

EM: You're not trying to be a shark?
BC: SEE?!?! I KNEW it! Misunderstood. I don't try ... I AM THE SHARK! 
{Pause for dramatic effect}
BC: Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
EM: You're lucky Momma brushes your teeth ... otherwise you'd be a toothless shark.
BC: Whose side are you on anyway?
EM: I'm just saying ... you don't have to misbehave and be prickly to be a cat!
BC: Says the PARROT! YOU wouldn't know anything about being a proper cat! You just sit on people's shoulders and purr like a dog!
EM: Dogs don't purr ...
BC: AWK! Smellie want a cracker?
EM: Shut up!
BC: You think running from lap to lap ... jumping on anyone who will pet you is being a cat?!?!
EM: And you think biting anyone you can is being a cat?
BC: Phht. No. I'm the shark!
EM: That's one way to describe you ...
BC: And I'm a Male Princess! I even added a new bumper sticker to my spaceship! SEE?!?!
{Ellie sees a pink bumper sticker on Bear's spaceship that says, "Princesses R Us"}
EM: You missed something! I need a red pen ... hold on.
{Ellie paws the red pen on the bumper sticker ...}
EM: TADA!
{Ellie reveals that she crossed out the "ES" of Princesses, added a "NOT" after the R, and crossed out "US" in favor of you}
BC: Hahahahaha. Very funny. I'm going to start a "sisters suck" support group.
EM: Whatever.
BC: But back to discussing how much Momma sucks ... You know what's most galling?!?! She nominated OTHER BLOGS for the BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Awards! Can you imagine that! She bet AGAINST us! And then we didn't become Finalists in the categories we should have! 
EM: Well, we do love Zulu ... that handsome, handsome, smexy black mancat!
BC: WHO?!
EM: Amarula's brofur!
BC: Did I mention that you have no taste in dudes?!
EM: Phht. At least I don't have the hots for FRODO! Amarula would die!
BC: {distractedly} Ooooh. AMARULA. Hey hey hey!
EM: We believe in our friends - even if it means we miss out. Momma's nomination meant Amarula's blog got the recognition it deserves. May the best cat win!
BC: Amarula IS extraordinary. But whose side are you on?!?! Momma nominated another bunch of blogs she believed in - and we were pushed out! Can you imagine?!?! She screwed us over! 
EM: That's not ENTIRELY true. We are finalists in the Best Written Pet Blog Post {sponsored} category. 
BC: But we missed out on "Best Pet Humor Blog" and "Best Cat Blog!"
EM: Hey. If we nominated our friends and they were judged to be better than us, we can't really complain.
BC: Phht. YOU can't complain ... I do what I want! And besides that, she brought in THE BOY! Now HE lives here too! Momma's always dragging in strays!
EM: DADDY?!?
BC: You mean DUMBNUTS?
EM: He's my Daddy and I don't appreciate you being un-nice to him.
BC: Well, he's NOT my Daddy and I don't appreciate you dweebling all over him! What is it with female taste around here?!? I guess there's no accounting for taste. The best taste you've displayed is being my friend.
EM: WE'RE ... FRIENDS?!?! This is going to be so much fun! We'll have a sleepover and braid each others' fur and talk about torties and have so much fun!!!
BC: Why do I get the feeling you set me up?
EM: Because you're not a TOTAL moron. Though I must admit, you make it easy.
BC: Thank you!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ...
{Bear looks around}
BC: Where'd she go?!?
{Pause as Bear looks around again}
BC: Uh oh. This isn't good. Why do I get the feeling something bad is about to happen?
{Pause as Bear looks around again}
BC: That's a problem! We were RIGHT in the middle of a meeting ... I never said the meeting was over! How rude! All of a sudden she ...
MK: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
{Momma grabs Bear}
MK: Time for your nightly beauty routine!
BC: *^&@ the *&@^!!! RATS! YOU COULD'VE WARNED ME, SMELLIE!
MK: SIT STILL!
BC: &*@# the &@^%! I've had just about enough of this #&@% #&@! This was exactly what Ellie and I were talking about. YOU SUCK! And Smellie didn't warn me you were in the pantry getting the *&@ing toothbrush! She set me up!
{Pause}
BC: SMELLIE!!! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!
EM: {hiding in the corner} Hahahahahahahahaha. He gets so wound up in his complaining that he doesn't have any idea what's going on around him! Better him than me!
BC: &*@# the &@^%ing *^&@. Let me go or I'll *&@^ you up, Momma!
MK: Brushing your teeth and brushing you would go so much faster if you just cooperated.
BC: NEVER! Over my dead body!
EM: {from the corner} That can be arranged!
BC: You're the one that's dead! I PROMISE you that!

To check out all the 2018 BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Finalists: 2018 Nose-to-Nose Award Finalists. And while you're at it ... visit and congratulate all out talented friends!

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