Friday, November 17, 2017

Bear's [beyond, then NOT] bad day, Part 2

When Bear visits the vet, he howls and meows the entire way there ... the entire visit ... and usually all the way home too. What's he saying? In this post, I venture to guess! If you missed the first part, describing how Momma got him in the carrier for his annual wellness visit to the vet, you may read it here: Bear's [beyond] bad day.

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat


{Momma and Bear are in the car, on the way to the vet for Bear's yearly wellness visit; Bear's howled the entire trip so far}
BC: I'll have you know that you're going to pay for this. I'll never forgive you! If the vet kills me, I'll haunt you for the rest of your life! Did I mention that I hate this tiny carrier?!? I hate the sun! I hate the road! I hate this car! I hate this seat! I hate the radio! I hate the music on the radio that you listen to. I hate your singing to the music on the radio! And most of all ... I HATE YOU!!! I'd rather be at home letting Dumbnuts pet me than this! 

{Pause}
BC: What?! Why are we stopping?
MK: Red light.
BC: Who cares about nuances like red lights when every second is torture because I'm shoved in this tiny carrier?
MK: If I get pulled over by a police man, it will take even longer to get to the vet.
BC: Just show him that you have a cat shoved in a tiny carrier. Ooh. Yes! If you get pulled over, you'll be arrested for abuse! I'll testify about all the horrible, unspeakable things that you do to me.
MK: Unspeakable?
BC: Brushing my teeth, washing my chin, clipping my claws, brushing me, starving me, my empty food bowl, this tiny carrier, the vet, Smellie, The Boy, your grabby hands, your "singing," your "dancing" ...
MK: Unspeakable, huh? You seem to have no trouble speaking about it. 
BC: What's that have to do with anything?!?! Speaking the unspeakable doesn't make it any less unspeak ... OH! I almost forgot! The way you and The Boy laughed at me last night ... mercilessly guffawing like a herd of deranged donkeys and hysterical hyenas! 

MK: Bear, you had a piece of chicken stuck to your nose.
BC: Oh, yeah. Just laugh it up! I could SMELL chicken, but I couldn't find it anywhere! I looked everywhere only to turn around and see you both LAUGHING at me! Abused! Maligned! Misunderstood!!
MK: I really wish I'd gotten a picture. It was pretty adorable.
BC: Adorable?!?! ADORABLE?!?! What is your ... 
{Pause}
BC: Why are we stopping ... AGAIN?!?
MK: Another red light.
BC: I thought we decided to throw caution to the wind ... and get you arrested. Hehehehe. 
MK: No, thank you.
BC: Oh, I was KIDDING, Momma. Err ... mostly. I mean, no one can resist my charms. Bat my eyelashes a few times, purr ... he'll surely let us go. Worse comes to worse ... I'll talk us out of a ticket.

MK: Sure. Because the MORE you talk, the less trouble you find yourself.
BC: I promise I won't tell him that you're going 55 in a 40. Or about that stop sign.
MK: Stop sign?
BC: The LAST time you took me to the vet. And then there's ...
MK: That's enough.
BC: Phht. The only person to run over the same stop sign TWICE.
MK: WHAT?!?! I never did that! I've never run over a stop sign once ... much less TWICE!
BC: But the police officer doesn't know that.
MK: If we get pulled over, keep your trap CLOSED.
BC: But what fun is my trap if it's closed?!? You should be glad ...
{Momma hits the brakes}
{THUNK!}
BC: OW! 
MK: Sorry. Pedestrian running across the road.
BC: Why did you stop?!?!
MK: Thank goodness you don't have a driver's license.
BC: Phht. If some PEDESTRIAN is stupid enough to run in front of our car, you're doing the fool AND the world a favor!
MK: I'd prefer to avoid spending the rest of my life in prison.
BC: Hmph. I see how it is ... you don't want to spend time in prison, but I have to spend time locked up in this stupid carrier! 
MK: The carrier isn't punishment.
BC: Says YOU.
MK: So help me, Bear ... if we get pulled over and I hear even one peep out of you ...
BC: HEY! What's wrong with being friendly?!? I'll just NICELY tell the policeman that the laws are stupid and don't apply to me. Then I'll KINDLY remind him that police officers are dimwits.
MK: BEAR!
BC: WHAT?!?! They have canine units but no feline units?!? That's discrimination! Our sense of scent is even better than stupid dogs. And we come with built in weapons!
MK: You also nap eighteen hours a day.
BC: EXACTLY! Cats would fit right in with police officers.
MK: BEAR!
BC: Someone should point out their folly! 
MK: And you'll volunteer for a feline unit?
BC: Phht. WORK?!? No, thank you! 
MK: I'm not even going to bother setting you straight on all this nonsense. Police officers aren't anything you assume them to be.
BC: Besides, people like to be around other people like them! As part of being friendly, I'll point out your similarities. You and a police officer have so much in common! You both enforce stupid rules! You both persecute poor innocent beings. You both like doughnuts too. We could even have a doughnut butt competition! 

MK: I like my freedom, thank you very much.
BC: You like your freedom, but you have no compunction shoving me in a tiny carrier and taking away my freedom!
MK: ONCE A YEAR, Bear.
BC: That's ONCE too many! Besides, this is the THIRD time I've been to the vet in SIX MONTHS! It's all Smellie's fault!
MK: Bear, when we adopted Ellie, she had roundworms so we had to make sure you didn't get them ... and then you had a bad reaction to the flea treatment I used since Ellie hadn't been treated for fleas in awhile and I wanted to be sure we were covered by treating you both at the same time. Neither of those were her fault. I was just being safe.
BC: STOPPING!?!? AGAIN!? What THIS time?!?!
MK: We're here.
BC: Finally! Sheesh. You talked the ENTIRE WAY here! Sheesh. The Boy's right. Women never shut up! Yak yak yak yak yak. I couldn't get a word in edge-wise.
{Pause as Momma walks around the car and opens the car door to carry Bear in}
BC: WHAT?!?!? PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW! You wanted to take me to the vet. FINE! But you said NOTHING about going in! This is immoral! And probably illegal! I want my lawyer! I want ...
{Momma opens the door to the vet office to barking from dogs in the waiting room}
BC: {GASP} I KNEW IT! You fattened me up for these ... these ... rabid dogs! This was your plan all along! You'll feed my luscious loins to those ... those ... I HATE YOU! This is cold! Even for you!

{Pause as more dogs enter the waiting room}
BC: WHAT?!?!?! Is this Dog Day at the vet? They know I'm a cat, right? 
MK: Yes, they know you're a ...
BC: HEY, DIMWITS! Stop barking!! You're all worse than my Momma! Thankfully, I don't understand WOOF. No doubt you're discussing some bit of inanity like who let the dogs out. Or which fire hydrant you peed on. BUT FOR THE LOVE ... SHUT UP!!!
{All the dogs turn and look at Bear}
BC: Erm ... uh ... Momma?! MOMMA!!! The dogs are LOOKING at me! HUGE, FAT dogs ... with LOTS of teeth ... hopefully, nice doggies!?!? Nice ... STUPID doggies ... but NICE. Vacuous and dim doggies ... but nice ... right? We can be friends, right?
MK: I guess you're glad you're in the carrier, huh? Nice and safe.
BC: Err ... I didn't mean friends really. I meant ... umm ... we can ... not eat each other, right?!?

{The receptionist calls Bear's name}
BC: FINALLY! Phew! That was close! Hmph. I don't know what your problems are, you stupid dogs! TAKE THAT! And let me tell you ...
{The door shuts behind Momma and Bear}
BC: You could've at least let me finish.
{The vet tech tries to get Bear out of the carrier ... as he wedges himself firmly in the back}
BC: Nope. NOT coming out. The vet will have to examine me in here.
{The vet tech takes the top off the carrier}
BC: RATS! I was hoping she didn't know it could do that!
{The vet tech picks Bear up to weigh him and tells him what a handsome boy he is}
BC: I KNOW that!
{Pause}
BC: But don't think that excuses you for what you've ...
{The vet tech reads out Bear's weight}
MK: Thirteen and a half pounds. Huh.
BC: I KNEW IT!!! I'm starving! This woman is starving me!!! 

MK: Bear, you only lost a couple ounces.
BC: LOST?!?! Couple ounces?!?  You make it sound like I set a couple ounces down somewhere and then forgot where I left them! LOST. Phht. No. They were STOLEN!!! You're STARVING me and all you care about is the number! I'm wasting away right before your eyes!
MK: Earlier, you accused me of fattening you up.
BC: I don't know this woman. HELP! I've been kitty-napped! I've been kitty-napped! My name isn't Bear, it's Princess Buttercup! This isn't my Momma! I've never seen this woman before! This woman clearly has a doughnut problem. I ...
{Momma starts rubbing Bear's ears}
BC: Oooooh. THE SPOT. Purrrr ... 
{The vet tech tells Momma she's taking Bear to the back for his blood draw and vaccinations ... she picks him up and turns to walk out of the room}
BC: WHAT?!?! NO!!! Whatever you have to do, you can do right here! HEY! I'm TALKING to you! PUT ME DOWN! Put me ... I want my Momma!!! I WANT MY MOMMA RIGHT NOW!! Only she's allowed to touch me! This isn't right! If you're going to torture me at my Momma's request, she should be forced to watch what she chose to put me through! 
{Pause as the vet tech says something to Bear as they walk away}
BC: Don't butter me up! I don't care if you promise me a tasty whole chicken farm ... 
{Pause as the vet tech says something to Bear}
BC: Why, YES! I HAVE been working out! Thank you for noticing.
MK: {mumbling to herself back in the exam room} Ill tempered ... bombastic ... obnoxious ... raucous ... yet completely clueless. 
{Momma can still hear Bear talking from the exam room}
BC: Hmph. Did she tell you what she did to me?!?! It was horrible! Repulsive! Abhorrent! She adopted another cat! I mean, SURE ... at least it wasn't the goslings ... but Bear Cat's an only child!
{Pause}
BC: I KNOW! Exactly!
{Pause}
BC: Her name is really Ellie ... but I like calling her Smellie. Hahahahaha. Do you know what Ellie did to me? I swear. If she doesn't apologize and beg for mercy, Momma will need to bring HER here! 

{Pause}
BC: Smellie called ME a dumbass, but let me tell you that HER ass is way dumber than mine! No one messes with Bear Cat and gets away with ... OW! 
{Pause}
BC: Did I mention that I'm the shark?! Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
{Momma doesn't hear anything for a few minutes}
BC: {sounding like he's getting closer} I call it the sister diet! Get a sister ... she follows and chases you around ... she's always in your food ... lose weight! BADA-BOOM! I should market that diet mainstream! Write a book entitled , "The Cat-kin's Diet." You get it? Cat kin's diet. Kin being relative ... like a sister. That's catchier than, "The Sister Diet." I'd totally have enough money to buy a conglomerate of tasty whole chicken farms! I also developed the yucky food diet. Well, okay, I had Momma's help. She switched one of our kibble bowls over to a new food ... and peeeeeeeeee-yew ... it was NASTY. Not even Smellie would eat it. And she's a garbage disposal. But don't tell Momma that I admitted there was anything good about having a sister. She's mostly a pain in the ass and won't shut up!
MK: {mumbling to herself back in the exam room} He never shuts up.
{The exam room door opens, the tech places Bear in Momma's lap, then leaves the room}
BC: Holy vole-y, that one's a talker! She's a woman too! Not that a couple women are a sufficient data set ... but the data points are promising thus far. Don't tell The Boy he's right though ... I'd never live that down. 
{By now, you kind of get how this is going ... if you have a headache, Momma knows EXACTLY how you feel. We'll spare you the last half of Bear's "diarrhea of the mouth" and skip to the results: Bear is healthy. His blood tests were normal ... and neither he nor Ellie tested positive for worms ... all in all, a good vet visit. Fast forward to a couple hours later when Momma lays down for a nap ... Bear walks in and goes to the food bowl ...}
MK: Here, Bear! Have you forgiven me yet?!? Come snuggle with me.
BC: {stops eating} I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, Bug.
{Bear moves closer to Momma ... but just out of her reach}

MK: {trying to reach Bear to pet him} Just a few inches more ... will pet you ... will reach ... huh!? Uh oh!
{THUNK!}
MK: OW.
{Momma hears snickering around the corner}
BC: I TOLD you she'd be so desperate for me to forgive her that she'd fall out of bed trying to reach me! Okay, pay up you two! That's fifty dollars each!  And everyone thought nothing good would come out of my visit to the vet!
{Silence}
BC: RATS! I'm never going to that horrible place ever again!

Featured posts:

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Bear's [beyond] bad day

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

BC: {ears perking up} Huh?!? Momma just went into the kitchen!!!
{Pause as Bear runs to the kitchen}
BC: Wet food treat time! Wet food TREAT time! WET food treat time! Wet FOOD treat time! Wet food treat TIME! WET FOOD TREAT TIME!!! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Come on, Momma! Open the door!!!!! I'm starvatating! Bear's big belly beckons!

{Momma opens the pantry door}
BC: FEED ME! FEED BEAR'S BIG BELLY!!! FEED ME! Bear's big belly begs for bread! Feed me now or I'll  ...
{A loaf of bread falls off the top shelf of the pantry and lands close to Bear}
BC: {running one way ... then another ... } AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! It's after me! It's after me!!! 

BC: {still running} Gotta get away! It's going to eat me! My poor luscious loins will be torn from my bones!! Bear's big belly beat, besieged, bombarded, brutalized! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!! Block Bear's big belly from being brutalized!
EM: Dumbass.
{Bear stops ... looks both directions for his attacker ... meanwhile huffing and puffing}

MK: Bear! It was only a loaf of bread.
BC: "ONLY" a loaf of bread?!? "ONLY?!?!" It's ONLY a loaf of bread until some cat gets hurt. Let me tell you ... I won't be that cat!
EM: Remember when you said, "Bear's big belly begs for bread!" Well, a loaf of bread answered your call!
BC: That heathen almost catcaked me!!! That was close!
EM: Oh, for ... it was BREAD! NOT cake! It almost catbreaded you! Your belly begged for bread, remember?
BC: That's ridiculous! I beg for tasty whole chickens but that doesn't mean I want to encounter one in a dark alley! Since when did inanimate objects live-a-tate?!
EM: That's not even a word!
BC: I think I'd know if it was a fake word!
EM: Starvatate isn't a real word either.
BC: Starvatation ... starving MORE than starvation. 
EM: MORE starving? That doesn't even make sense! You're either starving or you're not!
BC: WHO CARES!?!? I almost DIED ... and all you can think about is if I'm using real words?!?!
EM: Don't you think that's just a BIT ...
{Both cats perk up}
EM: Uh oh. Momma's got the toothbrush.
BC: {turning to run} BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EM: {running to the cat tree corner to hide} OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!!
BC: {a few steps behind} RATS! RATS! RATS! MOVE!

EM: {shrinking into the place Momma can't reach} I was here first!
BC: I showed you this spot! 
BC: {sprinting as he hears Momma walk closer} BYE!
MK: {grabbing Bear} Got you.
BC: Damn Smellie! She takes MY spot. The one I showed her! And I get pinched instead! 
MK: Don't worry, Bear. She's next.
BC: I hate having a sister! She stole my "Momma can't reach me" spot and now I'll get my teeth brushed and my chin washed ... {GASP} ...
{Pause}
BC: THE CLAW CLIPPERS!!!
EM: {from the hiding spot in the cat tree corner} BETTER YOU THAN ME! Up YOURS!
BC: Shut up, Smellie! This is your fault! I'VE BEEN SCREWED! By a GIRL! That's NOT a tortie! AGAIN!!!
{Fast forward past the "torture" of both cats ... past the wet food treat ...to a couple hours later ... Bear's in the litter box}
BC: GRRRRRR ... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ... She's once!
{PLOP!}
BC: Twice!
{PLOP!} 
BC: THREE TIMES A TORTIE ... 
{PLOP!}
BC: And I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVE YOU!!!
EM: That's just gross. 
BC: {startled} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You scared the ... the ...
EM: Poop?!
BC: Well, TECHNICALLY, the poop was already out ... so you couldn't really have scared the poop out of me ... but that seems like splitting furs.
EM: You poop to music!
BC: WHAT?!?! Humans read! 
EM: You think about torties when you poop?!
BC: Phht. I think about torties ALL. DAY. My tortie fantasies know no bounds. When I'm sleeping ... when I'm NOT sleeping ... when I'm eating ... when I'm NOT eating ... when I'm ... {Bear looks around} Where are you going!?! You're walking away in the middle of my soliloquy!

BC: PSST!
{Silence}
BC: PSST!!!!!!
{Silence}
BC: {whispering loudly} SMELLIE NEIGH!!! PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!
EM: {speaking normally} My name is ELLIE MAE.
BC: {whispering loudly} SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Hmph. THAT'S debatable ... you smell and you are as large as a horse. 
EM: {speaking normally} Like YOU have room to talk! At least I don't look like a furry meatloaf!
BC: {whispering loudly} SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm just FLUFFY!
EM: {speaking normally} Whatever you need to tell yourself ...
BC: Hmm ... you smell like a horse too!
EM: {speaking normally} Do you ever ...
BC: {speaking normally} SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
BC: {whispering loudly} RATS!!! Are you trying to screw me over for the 693,314th time?!? Just TODAY?!?! I mean, if you were a tortie, that'd be one thing ... ooh ... TORTIES ... Spank me, sassy girl! Spank me ...
EM: Bear?!?
BC: Tell me I've been a bad boy ...
EM: YOU'VE BEEN A BAD BOY!
BC: Yes, I ... HUH?!? Ellie?!? You ruined everything! I was ...
EM: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!! You're the one that called me here! What's wrong?
BC: Do you see that?
EM: Momma's scooping our litter box?
BC: No! Look! I just pooped and now she's putting my poop in a seal-able plastic bag!
EM: Who would want to keep THAT?!?
BC: HEY! Don't insult my poop! I'll have you know my poop isn't any more poop-y than YOUR poop!
EM: Ummmm ...
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! It sounded better in my head.
EM: Maybe you should take a hint and keep most of your thoughts in your head.
BC: Do you mind?!? I might be facing a life-threatening catastrophe and all you can do is insult me?!?!
EM: Momma scoops our litter boxes several times a day. What's the big deal?!?!
BC: She's putting MY poop in a plastic bag instead of in the litter waste thingy. A few hours ago, she clipped my claws and brushed my fur - obtaining quite the luxurious sample of my bodily substances. Now my poop?!?!? Where does it end? She's STEALING my poop!
EM: Do you want it back?
BC: WHAT?!? NO! I DON'T want it back! That's not the point! Something's a-paw!
EM: "A-paw?" 
BC: Like a-foot ... only for a cat!
EM: I'm sorry for asking.
BC: What could she want with my poop?!?
EM: {thinking to herself} Hmmm ... the carrier is out ... clipping claws, brushing teeth ... poop in a bag ... some cat's going to the vet! But it's not MY poop she stole ... I mean KEPT. Hahahahahahahaha. Part of me wants to tell him right now to see his reaction ... but if I can just wait a little longer, I'll get a front row seat to him finding out what's up! 
{Fast forward to the next day}
MK: Where's my handsome boy?!?
EM: {running to where Bear and Momma are} It must be time. This is gonna be good! 
BC: Can't you tell I'm sleeping here?!?!
{Momma grabs Bear}
BC: HUH!?! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!!!! I don't want to snuggle! I want to be left ... HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!
MK: It's okay, Bear. No one's going to hurt ...
BC: {seeing that he and Momma are walking toward the carrier} @#$! *%^$ $*#^% $&^!!!
EM: OH! That's a good one! What does "$*#^%" mean?
{Momma closes the door to the carrier}
BC: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP! Get me out of here! Get me out of here! She's killing me! She's killing me!!! {Bear starts rocking the carrier from side to side} LET. ME. OUT. I can't breathe! My ... my ... oh, HELL! My most important body part is hurting!
EM: "Most important body part?"
BC: Oh, ^&*@ *!@@&! YOU try to think when you're shoved in a tiny box!
EM: Wasn't that part removed years ago? No more kittens for you!
BC: LEAVE MY BOY PARTS OUT OF THIS! I'm more MAN than you'll ever ...
EM: SOME cat's going to the vet.
BC: {Bear keeps rocking the carrier from side to side} Bite the *&!^% and stick it where *&+$$ the =$##! I'll be back and you'll pay!
EM: Hehehehehe.
BC: YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS!!! $*#^% the *%^$  and $&^!!! LET ME OUT!!! LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!!! SMELLIE! MOMMA!! DUMBNUTS! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!
EM: Not very smart to insult people when you're asking for help!
BC: I don't need help! YOU need help!
MK: Okay, time to go, Bear!
EM: Tell the vet "HI" for me!!!
BC: ^&*@ *!@@& Makes sense that you two would meet in hell! I hate all of you!!! I'm never forgiving any of you either! This is the LAST ...
{Momma shuts the front door}
EM: Listen to that! Silence! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  So much excitement in one day. I should re-scent all our toys ... lay in all his favorite spots ... eat out of his food bowl ...
{Pause}
EM: Nah. The WHOLE POINT is him seeing me do those things. Ooooh! These are Daddy's clothes! {Looking around} No one's here to know the difference.
{Pause}
EM: Time for my nap.

TO BE CONTINUED ...

Featured posts:

Friday, November 10, 2017

The [almost] nightly routine

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

EM: Ellie Mae

BC: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Hi ... ladies ... torties ... crab cakes ... once ... twice ... three times ... tortie ... gingers ... I love you ... chickens ... bazookas ... best ... day ... ever ...too good ... true ... heaven?!?
MK: Awwwww. Adorable!
EM: Of course. Aren't I always?

MK: Ummm ... I was talking about Mr. Handsome Stripe-y Pants.
EM: You think THAT'S adorable?!? He's SNORING! If I had to guess, I'd say he's dreaming about an orgy - torties jumping out of crab cakes and a certain ginger girl bazooka-ing tasty whole chickens. And I think he farted a few minutes ago. Let me tell you ... it was even more foul than anything that flows through his depraved mind.

MK: He lives his life with his whole heart - good, bad, or indifferent. No apologies. 
EM: Is that a nice way of saying he's obnoxious?
MK: No. He's a good boy and he loves his Momma. I admire his spirit and heart. 
EM: Boys are gross. Even when they sleep. Though I guess as long as he's sleeping, I don't have to worry about him licking my butt or sniffing around the carpet from which I just moved. CREEPY!!! 
MK: He's a bit ... special.
EM: Have you noticed how peaceful it is around here when he's out cold?
MK: He's my handsome boy.
EM: Hmph. There's no accounting for taste, I suppose. 
MK: Your Daddy and I love you both. 
EM: But I'm Daddy's favorite.
MK: Last night, he made me move just so you could jump on his lap and he could snuggle with you.
EM: I'm a Daddy's girl.

MK: Ooooooooookay.
{Momma walks out of the room}
EM: Hey, DUMBASS! 
BC: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
EM: HEY! You sound like a decrepit wood chipper! NO! A walrus with a head cold! NO! A congested fire-breathing dragon! A bulldozer-driving grizzly bear wielding a chainsaw!
BC: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
EM: MOMMA! TOOTHBRUSH!!!
BC: {jerking awake} HUH?! Where?!? I've gotta get out of ...
{Bear looks around}
BC: {narrowing his eyes} You said that just so I'd wake up!
EM: You snore.
BC: I don't snore. You snore.
EM: I'm a delicate lady.

BC: If by delicate you mean a jumbo steamroller chasing a ticked off hippo.
EM: If you're the ticked off hippo.
BC: Stop calling me fat! I'm just FLUFFY!
EM: You called me fat first!
BC: That's because you ARE fat!
EM: Take it back!
BC: No.
EM: Take it back! Or else!
BC: Or else WHAT?!?! You'll sit on me with your house-sized tuna butt? You'll attack me?!? Ooooh ... somehow I'm NOT scared!
EM: You SHOULD be!
BC: NOT.

EM: Brothers are stupid.
BC: SISTERS are MORE stupid.
EM: Brothers are stupidest!
BC: Sisters are more stupidest.
EM: That makes no sense!
BC: Neither do you!
EM: Yes, I do!
BC: No, you don't!
EM: I HATE YOU!
BC: I hate you MORE!
EM: I hate you the most!
BC: I hate you even more than that!

EM: It's not MY fault you're in a bad mood!
BC: I'm not in a bad mood! But I have every reason to be since you woke me up from my nap!
EM: You nap all day!
BC: Because you're in my face all night! As soon as The Boy gets in bed, you won't leave me alone! And then he thinks I'M the bully! Not that I care what Dweeble Dumber thinks.
EM: If The Boy and I are Dweeble Dumb and Dweeble Dumber and he's Dweeble Dumber, that means I'm Dweeble Dumb?

BC: I guess.
EM: AWWWWW. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me! Momma said you'd come around eventually.
BC: Don't get used to it. Unless you leave me alone.
EM: I just want to play!
BC: My tail isn't a toy!
EM: That means the rest of you is?
BC: JUST. LEAVE. ME. ALONE!!!
EM: Make me!
BC: {starting to walk away} NOT worth my time!
EM: {whapping at Bear} ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!

BC: Stop touching me!
EM: You're touching ME!
BC: Leave me alone!
EM: Leave ME alone!
BC: I am!
EM: No, you're not!

EM: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGG!
BC: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG!
{The cats spring at each other}
BC: LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
EM: GO. AWAY!
{The cats roll around on the floor}

MK: {walking into the room} KNOCK IT OFF YOU TWO!
{The cats stop at the same time - still intertwined in places}

BC: SHE started it!
EM: NO. HE started it.
BC: Shut up!
EM: You shut up. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGG!
{Ellie attacks Bear}

{The cats roll around the floor tussling and knocking into Momma's chair again and again}

MK: HEY! THAT'S IT!!!
{Both cats run to the cat tree corner and hide}
MK: Oh, nononononononono ... NO! If you two can't co-exist in a room as big as the living room ... you CERTAINLY can't handle being in a small corner together. 
{Silence}
MK: I don't care who comes out ... but one of you better come out of that corner.
BC: You go!
EM: NO! YOU go!
BC: YOU!
EM: YOU!
BC: I was here first!
EM: SO?!?
{Ellie whaps Bear}
BC: I'm really tired of ending up with your paw in my face! 
{Ellie whacks Bear in the face with her tail}
BC: HEY! Keep that monstrosity to yourself!
EM: My tail isn't a monstrosity! It's long and bushy and BEAUTIFUL!
BC: Whatever you have to tell yourself.
EM: My tail's pretty!
BC: No, it's not.
EM: YES, it is! You're just jealous.
BC: No.
EM: Yes.
BC: I dare you to come closer so I can open my can of whoop-ass furry fury!
MK: FINE! BOTH of you need to come out. You two fight and when I try to break you up, you both run to the same corner of the room! You two are crazy!
{Both cats come out from hiding under the cat tree in the corner}
BC: Can we have treats?

MK: You both had your wet food treat half an hour ago! Remember?! 
BC: HMPH. How could I forget having my teeth brushed and my claws clipped?!
MK: You two were better organized this time though in your attempts to avoid both. Instead of both running to the same corner to hide - Bear ran to his window.
BC: SCREWED! I showed Smellie that hiding spot to begin with!!! I told her that it was really hard for Momma to drag a cat out from the very back corner ... and then she stole my spot!
EM: It's not MY fault you aren't as quick as me. I just got there first.
BC: But I showed you that spot! And then Momma nabbed me several times since we both can't fit in that spot! From now on when the toothbrush comes out, I'm going for my window or under the bed so I'm not screwed. Can we have more food?
EM: I'm hungry!
BC: I'm hungrier!

{Pause}
BC: Ellie's looking at me! Momma! Tell SMELLIE to stop looking at me!
EM: Stop talking to me!
BC: I HATE YOU!
EM: I hate you more!
MK: STOP FIGHTING! As soon as The Boy goes to bed, you two fight constantly. Why don't you carry on with this nonsense when he's awake?
The Boy: {from the other room} NOT TRUE! Because of their nonsense, I'm still awake!
EM: It's not MY fault! Bear won't leave me alone!
The Boy: {from the other room} Bear! Be nice!
{Ellie chuckles to herself}
EM: He started it!
BC: No, I didn't!
EM: Yes, you did!
BC: Stop being ...
EM: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! BEAR! STOP!

BC: I didn't do anything! She just walked past me! She's trying to get me in trouble.
The Boy: {from the other room} BEAR!!!!!!
EM: TRYING?!?
BC: Oh, SHUT UP, Smellie!
{Silence as the cats look opposite directions}
MK: Whatever works to keep the peace.


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