Friday, June 30, 2017

False advertising

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

MK: Bear!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: But I saw the culprit and he ran that way! I bet if you're fast enough, you can catch him!

MK: The aliens again?
BC: No. Sheesh! Everyone knows The Boy scared off Gary and Larry.
MK: Okay. So who made this mess?
BC: Who makes ALL the messes around here?!?! 
MK: You?
BC: The Boy!
MK: Bear, why would The Boy knock stuff off the counter?
BC: How should I know?!?! The second I understand That Boy is the second when everything stops making sense.
MK: The Boy hasn't been home in the last few hours and this mess wasn't here when he left.
BC: {GASP} {whispering} He's WATCHING us!
MK: Who?
BC: THE ... {back to whispering} The Boy!
MK: Why would he be watching us?
BC: He's ... INVISIBLE! HE made the mess and he's INVISIBLE so you can't see him!
MK: I could've sworn you said you SAW the culprit.
BC: Umm ... well, I see him. He's right behind you! HAHAHA. He's giving you bunny ears! He's just invisible to you!
MK: Is it really that hard to admit when you do something?
BC: Phht. Why should I admit to something an INVISIBLE BOY did!?!?! That makes NO sense! I mean, if we were talking about the mess in your closet or the avalanche in the pantry, I'd admit to ...

{Momma sniggers}

BC: RATS! RATS RATS! Did you go to some ridiculous Mom school where they teach Moms how to trick poor innocent kids into confessing?
MK: I'm pretty sure if a kid confesses to something, he's not innocent.
BC: So that's the lie they tell you!
MK: How's that a lie?
BC: I have a right against self-incrimination.
MK: I'm pretty sure that's a moot point when you openly confess.
BC: Phht. No one heard that but you!

MK: And the invisible Boy.
BC: RATS! You've reached Bear Cat. I'm busy pulling my hind paw out of my mouth with a shoe horn. BUT I'M STILL INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY!  BEEEEEP!
MK: Oh for the ... {looking at her watch} Now, where in the heck is he!?? 
BC: Holy crap! Dumbnuts is rubbing off on you! I'm RIGHT HERE, Momma!
MK: I was talking about The Boy.
BC: BEEEEEP!
MK: What?!?!
BC: BEEEEP!
MK: STOP BEEPING!
BC: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ...
{Bear sees Momma's look and continues ...}
BC: EEF! Where's the beef?
MK: The Boy's right. You were dropped on your head as a kitten!
BC: He said I was SPECIAL!
MK: Yes. Yes, you are.
BC: Why are you waiting for Dumbnuts?
MK: He's coming back to pick me up so we can play with the kittens up for adoption from the local rescue.
BC: WHAT?!?!?! Is this how you spend your weekends when you aren't home?!?! PLAYING WITH KITTENS?!?!? Is that what the dorky kids are doing these days? It's a slippery slope, you know. One day kittens, the next thing you know ... err ... err ...

MK: There are three tortie kittens!
BC: Err ... a massage a four?
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: That French thing!
MK: I have no idea!
BC: Threesomes!
MK: Menage a trois?
BC: YES! A menage a four! WITH TORTIES!!!
MK: Bear ... just Snickers by herself would hand you your butt on a platter.
BC: Don't distract from the issue at hand! You're spending weekends playing with kittens that aren't me!!! It's The Boy, isn't it? He wants to get rid of me and adopt a cat that likes him.
MK: You aren't going anywhere. Though he did joke about trading you in for a less bite-y model.
BC: I don't know how you two live with yourselves. Picking on a poor innocent sweet kitty cat!
MK: Snickers?
BC: NO!!! ME!!!

MK: But you're not ...
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! This has been a horrible, no good, VERY BAD day! 
MK: Ah. So that's why you knocked stuff off the counter.
BC: I didn't do it! But if I had, the events of this morning would be sufficient to justify it!
MK: Bear ...
BC: NO! You TRICKED ME!!! You and The Boy switched sides of the bed on purpose! I jumped up sure you were on the right. I let Dumbnuts pet me for TEN MINUTES before I realized HE was petting me. KITTY TRAUMA DRAMA!!!
MK: Was it really that bad?
BC: YES! NO!
{Pause}
BC: Is that a trick question?

MK: Bear ...
BC: He might think I LIKE him!!!

MK: You do.

BC: I DON'T! And besides, if he thinks I like him, he'll stop giving me chicken and bacon and french fries! PLUS, he'll start picking me up and trying to cuddle with me more than he already does! I DOUBLE DUMBNUTS DARE him to try!!!

MK: Bear, this morning wasn't so bad.
BC: NO! All I wanted was someone to get up to clean out my litter box! Phht. You shouldn't require reminding that I live here.
MK: As if we could ever forget.
BC: What's THAT supposed to mean? 
MK: Wait, wait, wait! You jumped in bed to be petted only because you wanted someone to get up and clean out your litter box?
BC: Err ... RATS!
MK: Sounds like you're the one well-versed in tricks.
BC: Phht. You thought those belly rubs and snuggles I accepted from you when I was homeless meant I LOVED you? Phht. Can you say ... MEAL TICKET?!?!

MK: Can you say ... YOU'RE GROUNDED?
BC: Can you say ... I HAD AN UNBURIED STINKY POOP THAT WAS IN MY LITTER BOX FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR?!?!?!
MK: Can you say ... COVER IT NEXT TIME?!?!?
BC: Can you say ... SINCE YOU WERE AWAKE, I FOLLOWED MY POOPETIQUETTE FLOW CHART!

MK: Can you say ... THE BOY AND I WEREN'T FEELING GOOD SO WE SLEPT IN?
BC: Can you say ... I HATE YOU!
MK: Can you say ... BITE ME!!!
BC: Can you say ... OKAY!

MK: OWWW! I REALLY hate when you do that.
BC: Can you say ... FALSE ADVERTISING?
MK: Can you say ... POT MEET KETTLE?!?!
BC: Can you say ... DON'T TELL ME TO BITE YOU IF YOU AREN'T OPEN FOR CHEW TOY BUSINESS?
MK: Can you say ... oh, never mind. It hurts when you bite me!
BC: Then I don't know why you ASK me to bite you!
MK: I don't! It's just a phrase!
BC: You humans with your stupid phrases! "Hit me." "Break a leg." "Bite me." You advertise that you're open for chew toy business and then get mad at me for giving you what you ask for! Hmph. Make up your mind, woman!
MK: STOP BITING ME!
BC: Then stop asking me to!
MK: You've got a point. Though the times I say, "bite me," are rare and you bite me anyway.
BC: Well, I never said I'd STOP biting you ... I just told you not to ASK me to bite you. My biting behavior is predetermined. I'll still bite you the same.

MK: Great. 
BC: False advertising should be your middle name. Like when you fed me wet food when I was homeless - so I thought you were cool with that ... and then you bring me inside and hand me a bowl of not-real-food!
MK: Give me a break! I tried to switch you over to all wet food and you pestered me until I gave you your kibble bowl back!
BC: Phht. Another stupid human phrase full of false advertising! "Give me a break." Until I GIVE you a break and then you get mad at me!

{Pause}
BC: More false advertising? Last weekend, you came home with a bag of kibble and cans of my wet food! I thought I won the chicken lottery! But NO! You put it all away! Crashing my delicate hopes and my proverbial dreams! Instead, I went to bed hungry and despondent.
MK: Did you forget where your food bowl is?
BC: NO!
MK: Then you had plenty to eat!
BC: But it wasn't the food you paraded through the house! All that crinkling and clinking that only means nummy goodness!
MK: Cry me a river.
BC: ANOTHER stupid phrase! You say cry me a river, but when I cry and complain you ignore me! 
MK: Bear ...
BC: And that's not even the worst of the false advertising!!! How many times have you walked in the bathroom and done something other than go potty?
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I hear you go in there and I bust my butt ... I run ... I EXERT myself to get there so I can watch the show! Only you're brushing your teeth or taking a shower! Eesh! There's not enough mind bleach in the world for seeing you without pants!!! 

{Pause}
BC: Another example of false advertising? EVERY TIME you walk into the kitchen! I jump up and come running thinking it's wet food treat time or regular treat time or wand toy time! But is it? NO!!! So I'm left sitting by the pantry forlornly ... my tummy rumbling.

MK: You could be thankful that I'm not grabbing you to brush your teeth. Your beauty implements are in that pantry too.
{Silence}
The Boy: {walking in the front door} Hi, Buddy!
BC: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG! {running under the bed} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Boy: Is it something I said?
BC: {from under the bed} Isn't it always?! More false advertising!
The Boy: Excuse me?
BC: We're not buddies!!!
{Bear saunters out}
MK: {seeing Bear} Is it really that bad?
BC: YES!
{Pause}
BC: {sigh}.
{Pause}
BC: No. I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, Bug.

The Boy: HEY! What am I? CHOPPED LIVER?!?!
BC: That could be arranged.
The Boy: Never mind.

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Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Tasty whole fickens

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

BC: {sitting in front of the closed pantry door} Let me in!!!

{Pause}
BC: I mean it! This is your LAST chance you stupid pantry door!

{Pause}
BC: That's IT! Now I'm REALLY mad!!! Prepare to be smashed into doorlets!
{Pause}
BC: OPEN SESAME! I know you have all manners of feline goodness in there!

{Pause}
BC: One ... two ... NINETY-TWO ... CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!
{THUNK}
BC: Oww.
{Pause}
BC: You're going to regret messing with Bear Cat Kat, you insolent door! Don't make my Momma break you down! 
{Pause}
BC: MoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmMMA!

{Pause}
BC: Last chance, you imbecilic door! Open up or my Momma will open her can of whoop-a$$ doughnut butt on you. I'm telling you that not even heaven will stop my Momma's wrath when I'm mistreated!

{Pause}
BC: MOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAA!
MK: {walking into the kitchen} What's wrong, Bear?
BC: This stupid pantry door is mocking me. I've told it to open several times and it's ignoring me!!!

MK: For the last time, you can't sit in front of a door and expect it to open for you.
BC: Phht. The bathroom door opens on my command!
MK: That might have something to do with your fourteen pounds of furry fury knocking into the door.
BC: I tried that! I even gave it ONE HUNDRED pounds of furry fury and it didn't open!

MK: Bear, the bathroom door swings into the bathroom so you can bang into it and it will open in to the bathroom. The pantry door opens the other way - so pushing into it won't open it.
BC: You did that on purpose so I couldn't get in there! I demand you fix the door. Or add a cat flap.
MK: No.
BC: I know you keep the tasty whole chickens in there! 
MK: Bear, you nose around in the pantry all the time. Don't you think you would've seen them by now?

BC: I can't reach the top shelf! I bet they're up there!
MK: Bear, if there were tasty whole chickens in there, you'd hear them!
BC: {GASP} You have them gagged!
MK: This is ridiculous!
BC: So you admit it!
MK: What?!?!
BC: You gag the tasty whole chickens so I don't know they're there.
MK: Bear, you've broken down the bathroom door - actually, every door in this house - trying to find tasty whole chickens!
BC: You move them around!
MK: Bear, you pushed into the bathroom and scared The Boy when he was in there.
BC: He couldn't have been more scared than I was traumatized at seeing him without pants!
MK: Bear ...
BC: But to be fair, I did it more than once. A little birdie told me your tasty whole chickens were in the bathtub! 

{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... how did YOU know about that? You were cooking dinner in the kitchen! The Boy ratted me out!
MK: Bear, he didn't have to tell me.
BC: I KNEW IT! 
MK: {sigh} What?
BC: You have eyes in the back of your head! And the SIDE of your head. {GASP} And in The Boy's head! And my head! What kind of voodoo are you up to? No wonder you always keep the tasty whole chickens two steps ahead of me!

MK: Bear, there are NO tasty whole chickens around here!
BC: Why do we have a chicken cannon if we don't have any chickens?
MK: We don't have a chicken cannon, Bear.
BC: WHAT?!?! We don't? Why not?
MK: Because we don't have any chickens!
BC: SHEESH! Any self-respecting cat has a chicken cannon! 
{Pause}
BC: Though, I guess a bazooka is ALMOST as sufficient.

MK: I can't even talk to you.
BC: {GASP} Wait a ... you made eggs for The Boy yesterday for breakfast!
MK: So?
BC: Chickens come from eggs. He's STEALING my chickens!
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: He eats the eggs before they hatch! If he wasn't here to eat them, I'd have a farm full of tasty whole chickens by now.
MK: Bear, that's not the way it ...
BC: He's stealing my chickens from right under my nose! And he gives me bacon in his attempt to obfuscate his treachery.

MK: Just when I thought this conversation couldn't get any weirder.
BC: THE BOY IS STEALING MY TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS AND YOU'RE NOT STOPPING HIM!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Hand over the bazooka! I'm taking matters into my own paws!
MK: We don't have a bazooka, Bear! And even if we did, you're not going to shoot The Boy with it.
BC: Phht. You're no fun. 
MK: Thank you.
BC: If we had a bazooka, could I shoot the closed pantry door with it?
MK: Who cares?!?! WE DON'T HAVE A BAZOOKA!!!
BC: Sheesh. Aren't YOU just a bit grumpy today! It's like someone is stealing YOUR tasty whole chickens from right under your nose.
MK: NO ONE IS STEALING YOUR CHICKENS!
The Boy: {walking into the room} What's going ...
BC: I HATE YOU!

The Boy: That's a record.
BC: Where are my chickens?

The Boy: What chickens?
BC: Don't play stupid with ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... you don't have to PLAY stupid ... you ARE stupid. RATS! I'm going to have to figure out how to make you understand.

The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: Big birds! FLIGHTLESS big birds. They lay eggs and peck around for stuff.
The Boy: What about them?
BC: WHERE ARE THEY?
The Boy: I'm a little confused ...
BC: Why am I NOT surprised?
The Boy: What do they sound like?
BC: {starting to strut around the room like a chicken} Bu-GAWK! Cluck cluck. GAWK!!!
The Boy: Hahahahahaha.
BC: Why are you laughing at ...
{Pause}
BC: You tricked me into imitating a chicken!
The Boy: It was pretty funny too!
BC: {in a mocking voice} It was pretty funny too! I'm a mean, mean Boy that likes to steal sweet little kitty cats' Mommas! I move in and take over everything! I eat sweet little kitty cats' tasty whole chickens and refuse to share!
The Boy: That's not fair! I share my chicken with you. And you usually refuse to eat it.
BC: WHAT?!?!?
The Boy: Last night! I had chicken and rice and I gave you a piece of chicken!


BC: That wasn't chicken! It was ... umm ... umm ... ficken!
The Boy: What the heck is that? 
BC: Err ... fake chicken! NO! FICTIONAL chicken!
MK: Hmm. You mean you're looking for tasty whole fickens?
BC: NO!
MK: It seems to me that if you're hunting for tasty whole chickens that DON'T EXIST - they're FICTIONAL. So they're fickens.
{Silence}
The Boy: She got you there.
BC: WHO ASKED YOU? You're the one that started this by mentioning you'd given me chicken.
The Boy: I DID give you chicken and you didn't eat it.
BC: It wasn't tasty and it wasn't whole! Therefore, it wasn't real chicken!
The Boy: It was tasty! I ate it! Maybe you should appreciate what you have.
BC: Phht. Appreciating what one has just makes one feel better about not having what one wants. You should know! You're stupid - but yet you still don't appreciate the little intelligence you have!
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!!!
The Boy: No, YOU don't appreciate the little intelligence that I have.
MK: You don't have little intelligence!
BC: That's right! He has NONE!
The Boy: Aren't we talking about chickens?
BC: Are you admitting you have a bird brain?
MK: BEAR CAT KAT! If I have to use your full name ONE MORE TIME ...
BC: I'm sorry, Momma.
MK: Apologize to The Boy.
BC: Why should I apologize? He's the one that's stealing MY tasty whole chickens and trying to substitute ficken like I won't notice!
MK: Bear!
BC: I'm sorry, Dumbnuts.
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm sorry.
The Boy: {reaching down to pick Bear up} Cuddles?
BC: {jumping down} Don't push it. Touch me again and I'll ...

MK: BEAR!
BC: {to The Boy} Just a warning ... she's in a REALLY bad mood today!

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Friday, June 23, 2017

Self-discrimination

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

MK: Bear, we need to talk.
BC: I didn't do it. I specifically and categorically deny that I did anything.
MK: You always do.
BC: Is this about ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I ALMOST fell for it again.
MK: WHAT?
BC: You know! You make it sound like I'm in trouble for something and then, in trying to figure out which particular misdeed I'm in trouble for, I mention a bunch of other things I did.
MK: Maybe if you didn't misbehave so much, you wouldn't have to wonder which misdeed I just found out about.
BC: Phht. It's FUN to clear the shelves above the toilet into the toilet. And it's fun to pull the stuffing out of your comforter. 
MK: Hold on a second ... 
{Momma walks to the bathroom}
MK: BEAR!
BC: RATS!
{Momma walks to the second bedroom to check on the comforter}

MK: BEAR!!!
BC: Rut ro. Three exclamation marks is never a good thing. I can't get in trouble for things I was tricked into telling you! I have a right against self-discrimination! 
{Pause}
MK: Incrimination?
BC: In what? What does crimination have to do with anything?
MK: You're thinking of "self-incrimination."
BC: Why would I want to go in crimination? Are there tasty whole chickens there?
MK: {sigh} Never mind! Anyway ... we need to talk.
BC: We ARE talking, aren't we?
MK: No.
BC: No?
MK: No! I mean, we ARE talking ... but we need to talk about something in particular.
BC: You mean you need to talk and you want me to listen.

MK: Bear ... you could let me finish.
BC: Phht. You know I never listen to you.
MK: Bear ...
BC: Let me guess ... blah blah BLAH blah blah blah. Blah BLAH blah. Blah blah BLAH blah blah. {mockingly} "I like the sound of my own voice and I make my sweet, innocent, and cute kitty listen as I chatter on about nothing of real importance." 

MK: I want to talk to you about your biting!
BC: I didn't do it. 
MK: You didn't bite me?
BC: Which time?

Bear "THE JAWS" Cat's Gallery of Pain ...






MK: Exactly.
BC: What?!?! I've bitten you so many times, how am I supposed to remember every single time?
MK: STOP BITING ME!
BC: Then stop annoying me!!!
MK: I don't do it on purpose! I just do my normal things.
BC: Uh huh. Uh huh. By living, you're annoying!
MK: How am I supposed to know when you'll go from cute kitty to psychotic murderer in two-point-three seconds?
BC: Don't be ridiculous. It only takes me a little over a second. I like to think that I perfected that to an art.
MK: Do you ever listen to yourself?
BC: Why would I listen to myself when I already know what I'm saying? Then again, you like listening to the sound of your own voice ... so I guess that nonsense isn't so crazy to you.

MK: I DO NOT like to listen to myself ...
BC: Blah blah blah blah blah. "BEAR! Guess what happened at the grocery store?" "I don't understand why ..." "I'm not really all that great." And my personal favorite, "Such-and-such is annoying." Like YOU have room to talk!
MK: I thought you said you never listen to me.
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: NO!
BC: You need to work on being less annoying ... less, err ... stupid ... less talk-y ... less HUMAN.
MK: I don't do anything to you! You just bite me out of the blue!
BC: You make it sound like it's random and out of my control! I'll have you know that I carefully plan my biting strategy.
MK: That's even worse. That means it's carefully calculated.
BC: Phht. Can you imagine if I just bit silly-killy?

MK: You mean willy-nilly?
BC: Whatever. You know what I meant. If I bit randomly, I wouldn't have the proper distribution of bite wounds. And let me tell you! It's no fun to bite a used canvas. Luckily for me, because of all the doughnuts you eat, you've got plenty of fresh juicy flesh just waiting to be bitten. With my plan, sneaking a few in there at my discretion isn't a big deal.
MK: Maybe not to you. But it hurts! It's like you're a bite-oholic. 
BC: Hahaha. My name is Bear Cat Kat and I'm a bite-oholic. I like the sound of that!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Do I have to go to rehab? Maybe on a tasty whole chicken farm? I can have my bags packed in less than five minutes.

MK: Yeah. A tasty whole chicken farm will encourage you to bite less.
BC: Who said anything about biting less? I have a reputation to uphold.
MK: If you're a bite-oholic, rehab would mean a program for those that abuse biting. 
BC: Phht. I don't ABUSE biting. I use it very carefully.
MK: Or a course of treatment for biting dependence.
BC: I'm a cat! Depending on biting is my birthright. What cat doesn't habitually bite? You need a program for stupidity dependence. NO! Annoyingness dependence! No, never mind. Stupidity and annoyingness are normal for humans.
MK: You bite just because you don't get your way!
BC: Don't be ridiculous. I bite for A LOT of reasons! That's only part of it. Sometimes I feel like biting ... and sometimes I don't.
MK: When do you ever NOT feel like biting?
BC: Is that a trick question? 

BC: You know, I just bite what's put in my face. If you didn't stick it in my face, I wouldn't bite it!
MK: You bite the couch! The couch doesn't move!

BC: So? Phht. The couch makes me mad too, you know! It sits there MOCKING me CONSTANTLY. Do you understand that kind of disrespect?
MK: Ummmm ... you mock me ALL. THE. TIME.
BC: Well, YEAH! Because you do stupid stuff ALL THE TIME. 
MK: And don't even get me started on your new favorite game, "I'm the shark!" You've terrorized The poor Boy with that one.
BC: Phht. He's slow and dumb. Easy target. And he never learns! He just keeps being slow and dumb and trying to be my friend!
MK: You sure didn't mind him when he gave you some bacon yesterday.

BC: When bacon, torties, or tasty whole chickens are around, all bets are off. You know, if you didn't brush my teeth every day, you wouldn't have to worry about my teeth.
MK: {sigh} Maybe. But you don't usually like pate wet food and you'd be miserable if you didn't have the teeth to chew your favorite foods.
BC: You're right. I love you, Momma.

MK: Ummm ...
BC: You're a good Momma. I love you. You let me be me and love me anyway.

MK: {gathering Bear up in her lap} I love you too, Bug.

The Boy: {walking into the room} I love you!
{Bear looks both ways}

BC: Are you talking to me?
The Boy: Of course!
BC: What do YOU want?

The Boy: You two were having a little love party! I thought I'd join in! We're a little family!
BC: I'm not related to you.
The Boy: I know! I meant LIKE a family.
BC: I wouldn't like to be part of your family.
The Boy: Wait a ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Bear! Bacon!
BC: HIIIIIIII, Daddy.

The Boy: Daddy?
BC: {his face twitching strangely} Grrr ... purrrr ... meow ... chiiiissss ... HCK! HWWWAAACK!!! HHHHIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSS. ERROR! ERROR! CAN'T COMPUTE. Purrrrr ... grrrr ... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
MK: I think you crashed his operating system.
The Boy: The reset button is around here ...
MK: NO! Whatever you do! DO NOT push that ...
{The Boy touches Bear}
BC: Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
The Boy: That's an odd re-start nois ... oh #$%@!
BC: I'm the shark!
The Boy: Uh oh.

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